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kind of a dud socially

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kind of a dud socially

WHAT I DID Monday, December 1 Mental and physical clarity is the thing that is the prerequisite for everything else. This is the thing to which I have returned. It happened in a hotel in Western Massachusetts.

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WHAT I DID Monday, December 1 Mental and physical clarity is the thing that is the prerequisite for everything else. This is the thing to which I have returned. It happened suddenly. It happened in a hotel in Western Massachusetts. I’m not enlightened, but now I can breathe. I like to run every day. It doesn’t have to be for lengths of times that feel like eternity. Just a few minutes is fine. The uptown B is late. I’m sitting in the subway station with plenty of time to Make Big Plans. I’m going to Be A Hostess. I’m going to Be A Tutor. I’m going to be a Professional Rock Climber. The truth of it is, my stint in bohemia is becoming unsustainable. “If you need money, you should be a pilates instructor,” says Shannon. “Oh, true.” I say The truth of it is, this idea sounds as good as any. I’ve tried to stop correlating monetary concerns with any sense of my creative ambitions. In a mirror world, I ghost write letters for my friends. I teach strangers how to scale buildings and to make their limbs long. In New York, I am better. I crave the forest and the snow and the pine trees by the window and particularly the ocean. I crave all this more than anything. When I arrive in the country, the expanse always shocks me. I don’t know what to do with all that space. After class, I go to the dermatologist. It’s decorated for Christmas. They tell me everything is fine. This is the part I like the best: where I brace myself for terror, and then they tell me everything is fine. Uptown, I go to my aunt’s office. We have sushi and tea. We go the AMC. I like Wicked. It’s very sweet. I saw someone say they like Wicked in the way you like Barbie, but I like Wicked more. I like the soda machines and the supersized cups and the reclining red seats and the nerd clusters at the AMC. I like uptown. I could live here. I did live here, once. Wicked feels like a movie in the way a movie-in-the-theater should. Afterwards, David asks me three times if I liked Wicked. Yes, I say three times. He asks me if I can give a full review, but I can’t, not really. I liked it, I say. In the car home, I am cruel on a phone call that I made with the express purpose of being kind. I meet David at Cassidy’s house, where a lot of people are watching Spy Kids. Do you want a white claw, someone asks. No, I say. I am crying a little on account of my cruelty in place of kindness. David tells me something I should remember about being kind. I don’t, ultimately, remember what he says, but after this, everything is good. Tuesday, December 2 Riley and I go to Fanelli’s for dinner. Club sandwich and martini. I haven’t felt removed from social activity or the desire for extroversion lately. To the contrary, I’ve been wanting very suddenly to connect very deeply with old friends. I want to go to Florida and drink Virgin Pina Coladas. I did that in college. I had so much fun when I did that in college. Can I come if you go to Florida this year, I ask Riley. Yes, she says I think we should go. I make a vlog with David. It’s so much fun. David says I can’t post the vlog, but then I edit it with Slavic music and then he says ok fine. I’ve felt an aversion to parties that place themselves at things like The Intersection Of Culture and Nightlife lately. I don’t like when people who immerse themselves in these things express cynicism or borderline disgust towards a Scene. I feel immensely grateful for a community with adjacency to and/or aspirations towards art. I like readings. I like gestures towards intimacy, even false intimacy, even social climbing intimacy. I like that these things stem from something other than voyeurism, despite their tendencies towards voyeuristic or pseudo intellectual descent. But, I can’t bring myself to attend. You haven’t seen me in weeks. Not that anyone is counting. Not that I’m even counting, except it’s hard to find things to comment on outside of Myself when I’m keeping close quarters. So bored by brooding. I could do something like Get Arrested. I could do something like Make A Gift Guide. David’s friend calls him. “Do you want to go to KGB,” he asks. “No,” says David. “I’ll go,” I say. “Do you want to take Chloe to KGB for me?” David asks. “No,” his friend says, “she’s kind of a dud socially.” David takes his headphones out. “He says you’re kind of a dud socially,” “I’ll see her six days in a row and it’s just her, and when I finally don’t see her, Chloe has a party with all her beautiful friends,” he says. Then he lists out all my beautiful friends. We don’t go to KGB. Wednesday, December 3 I stay inside for most of the day, that’s what I assume you do when there’s a man hunt. I remember the Boston Marathon bombing. I’d canoed there on the Charles River with my dad, and after we left the race safe and sound we learned that no one was allowed outside for days. They eventually found the guy in the hull of someone else’s boat. Some different suburb. I assume that it’s the same today, but the UnitedHealthcare Assassin proves to be less of a threat to public safety. I go outside around two pm. SoHo is booming. Back inside, it starts to snow. I can see it through the greenhouse ceiling. David reads me transcripts of conversations he’s overheard in coffee shops. It would be hard to fake real coffee shop gossip, we both agree. There’s a strangeness, a nonsense almost, in the overheard familiarity of conversations among people you don’t know. The snow has come with wind, and I can see an umbrella on the roof above swinging wildly. I worry it will come crashing through. I worry that wind and icy pebbles of snow and shattered glass and the sphere of the umbrella stick are all about to crash down on me. The snow is thick and icy, but it’s melting as it lands on the glass and so there is no noise. I kind of think the snow looks like nuclear fallout. I almost say this out loud, but then I think that wouldn’t be very pleasant. David gets a text that “It’s snowing!!” and he rolls his eyes. “I don’t find whimsy in snow,” he says. “I do,” I say. Of course I do. Thursday, December 4 It’s a strange week. I keep grasping for some concrete sense of how things make sense. I was acting insane last week, but now I am not. I was floating in space last week, but now I have mental and physical clarity. Things are never that simple. Acting Insane tends to happen in waves. The truth of it is, my sense of stagnation comes largely from the fact that I am acting very stagnant. It also stems from my phone and from things like staying up all night. We go to Sarabeth’s for dinner. They have happy hour now. I don’t like to eat or drink early, and while I’m quite familiar with the concept of happy hour, I feel like I’m discovering it for myself for the first time. I’d like to order all the eight dollar cocktails, the shrimp, the deviled eggs. We’re sitting at the bar and it’s cozy even though it smells slightly like cleaning supplies. Sterile in an old school way. This is not something I hate. The Greenwich Village Sarabeth’s just opened down the street. I like the Upper West Side Sarabeth’s because I would go every year on my half birthday as a child. We would go to The Central Park Zoo and then to Sarabeth’s. It wasn’t as spoiled or superfluous as it sounds. It was just a nice tradition. Today, Sarabeth’s is nice until it isn’t - a slow crescendo into an unhappy hour as the three to five pm menu is swapped out for normal prices. So, I stay up all night and reconsider if I have rediscovered mental and physical clarity after all. I call my friend and she says I have literally no idea what you mean by that. But I don’t think I’m just using buzzwords. Clarity is the prerequisite to everything else. This makes sense to me. Next week is all the holiday parties in the world. I like this time the best. I’ll go to the tree at Rockefeller tonight. I’ll go to The Central Park Zoo. WHAT YOU SHOULD DO It’s the busiest week of the year… choose your ventures wisely. Monday, December 9 - From 7:30pm — The Thing Is returns to Jean’s . This month’s show ( It’s A Wonderful Life ) will star Delaney Rowe , Julia Shiplett , Jake Cornell , and Rebounder . Tuesday, December 10 - From 6:30pm — McNally Jackson Seaport presents an evening of poetry with Daisuke Shen , Liza St. James , Bud Smith & Mohammed Zenia Siddiq Yusef Ibrahim. - From 6:30pm - 9:30pm at 264 Canal — Triple Canopy presents Swallow Image with Goldin + Senneby , investigating pharmaceutical companies profit on images of disease which obscure treatment, and aesthetic and political dimensions of health and dependency. Free with RSVP . - From 7pm at TJ Byrnes — Patio Reading Series returns for the fourth rendition with readings from Gideon Jacobs , Zans Brady Krohn , and others. Wednesday, December 11 - From 5pm - 7pm — The Washington Square Park Annual Holiday Tree Lighting - From 7pm at Tara Downs Gallery — Dream Baby Press presents Perverted Book Club - a night of erotic reading by some of your favorite writers and artists. The event is hosted by Matt Starr . Readers include Jemima Kirke , Lili Anolik , Mackenzie Thomas , Joan of Arca , and more. - From 9pm at The Roxy — WWW.RACHELORMONT.COM screens. Q&A with Peter Vack to follow, moderated by Cassidy and Annabel . - From 8pm - late at Russian Samovar — Club Chess hosts a Holiday Party with Hans Neimann . DJs include Ren G , DeSe Escobar , Clare Koury , and Dany Cole . Dress prompt: abundance. Thursday, December 12 - From 6pm — The New Criterion hosts their annual holiday party - cocktails, conversation, and good cheer. - From 6pm - 8pm at Susan Inglett Gallery — An opening reception for The Boys Club (redacted) will be held in conjunction with the launch of On The Rag’s second edition. Curated by Cortney Connolly . The edition features contributions by Friends Of The Letter Lydia Sviatoslavsky , Sam Falb , Samantha Sutcliffe , and more. - From 7:30pm - 9:30pm at The Brooklyn Center for Theatre Research — Dimes Square returns for one of the last ever performances. Tickets are going fast - additional performances in Brooklyn on Dec 13 and in Manhattan on Dec 17 and Dec 18 . - From 7pm - 10pm at 9 Monroe St — Drink.More.Water celebrates the opening of their first ever brick and mortar store. Drink More Water has been a downtown staple brand for six years. Their first ever permanent physical space is selling from Szn 6 and more. Sounds at the opening by maraschino - From 7pm at 171 Canal, 5th Fl — Katzenzungen Reading features Natasha Stagg , Whitney Mallett , Riska Seval , and Kevin Champoux . - From 8pm at TJ Byrnes — Giancarlo DiTrapano Foundation presents their annual NYC reading, featuring Fall ’24 Residents Thomas Thatcher , Madeline Cash , Jon Lindsey , Izzy Casey , and Raegan Bird . Friday, December 13

  • From 2pm — There’s a Holiday Market at Sovereign House . Ft Elena Velez, Confessions NYC, a group closet sale, and much more. Christmas Caroling to follow at 7pm . - From 6pm at Gonzo’s Studios — The Russian Cosmism Circle of New York presents POST-DOOMERISM - a talk with labor leader Chris Smalls . Ft Geo Yankey , Joshua Citarella , and Prada Horse Shoe . - From 7pm - 9pm at Heart — Are.na hosts the launch party for Are.na Annual 2025. There will be copies of the book, drinks, and readings. Are.na is one of my favorite corners of the internet - “online software for organizing content, and a toolkit for assembling new worlds from the scraps of the old.” The Sixth Are.na Annual launch will feature readings by Finnegan Shannon , Gerardo Ismael Madera , Reuben Son , and Megumi Tanaka . Custom drinks by Megan Pai and Cammie Lee. - From 8pm - late — Mcnally Jackson and Cafe Gitane celebrate the launch of Cafe Gitane: 30 Years - “a celebration of New York’s iconic NoLita neighborhood by two of its most beloved institutions”. - From 8m at Catholic Worker Maryhouse — Cracks in Pomo hosts a discussion on Dorothy Day and The Duty of Seeking Delight in Postmodern Culture. RSVP here . Saturday, December 14 - From 7pm at Old Flings — Nathan Dragon and Cash 4 Gold Books host the book launch for The Champ Is Here - “a loosely-linked collection that follows, with varying distance, an unnamed narrator, his dog and girlfriend or wife, from small American town to town.” - From 7pm at Drama Gallery — India Rose Timpani hosts Tribeca All The Way - a reading in conjunction with the closing of Jesse Sullivan’s ‘Coffee Shop’. Readings by Nick Jorgensen , Elijah Lajmer , Riska Seval , Clay M.M., Ray Wise, and Alec Mapes-Frances. - From 7:30pm — I’ll be at the Fire Reading (Indoor Edition) - in a cozy basement reading a new piece of horror writing on the theme of Borders. I believe RSVP is capped for this one, but consider future Fire Readings. - From 10pm at 177 Mulberry — Drink More Water celebrates their End of Year Festival - “featuring indie sleaze queen Uffie live in concert. 2 levels, 3 live acts, 3 DJs, a whole heap of fun.” Sunday, December 15 - “Sunday night without Confessions didn’t quite feel right.” – Back this Sunday in the KGB Theater.

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