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Panopticon-ing Everyone

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Panopticon-ing Everyone

WHAT I DID Thursday, May 8 I’ve been panopticon-ing everyone here, and you have asked me to stop. I’m sorry I have already told about what happened on Wednesday. I mean it when I say that I am really not talking about myself.

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WHAT I DID Thursday, May 8 I’ve been panopticon-ing everyone here, and you have asked me to stop. Ok. I’m sorry I have already told about what happened on Wednesday. Not here. Imagine it’s all fantasy. I mean it when I say that I am really not talking about myself. Being all confessional and then I feel kind of gross about it. Being kind of glib about the parts I thought were most sincere. I’ve been neglectful, most of all. Right now, I am most sorry about that. In the end, you’ll be lying on a Japanese floor mattress and you’ll be thinking about the parts that are still the same. Tonight, I went to the party that I usually avoid. I went home before the parts that come next. Another flight tomorrow, and I wish there wasn’t more travel though, I am glad for where we are going. An old school hotel, Sue Wong beaded dress, borrowed shoes and sharing the different details of my life like oh it’s been all grad school and true love and self surveillance - this part will be nice. My friend suggests at dinner - I don’t have insomnia, I live in an environment of psychological torture sleep depravation. I could latch onto this. Psychological torture . My friend says - New York vs LA; you can find nuance in uglier things here and she cites me as the example of nuance as if I am something like resilient or tough. I have never been described as either of these things before, and I hope I haven’t been plying myself in victimhood too heavily, because really - my circumstances are wonderful. It is a sweet description, though. I’m glad I’m not a fraud, at least. Lots of parties this week and those were nice while they lasted. You can’t be indignant without clarity, which - I am working on having more of. I set up the summer so as to have the days stretching endlessly in front of me. This concerns me a bit. I will need to read for two hours every morning. There is a novel forming mostly beneath my writing here, and I will need to finish that. All at once it’s like everyone has drawn the same conclusions about good and evil. Everyone was all like this is so good, and then everyone snapped at once and it was like: this is evil. I have briefly wondered where this change would map out cosmically, though, I have tried to be a mystic about it, and my basic impulses revolt. I was culling chapters from my Secret Diary a while back. Here, I was saying. Time stamp it in Google Docs and you know I meant this before I even knew I would need to show you it was true someday. None of it was really so long ago. So, I wonder, for example - what July will be like? I wonder about June. You could be a bartender or a DJ. Sounds like something someone who has lost their intuition would say. I’m talking in hypotheticals because I mean it when I say that I am not, really, talking about myself. Friday, May 9 Rebecca and I sat at Bar Belly in the rain for a while last night. Shannon made me cauliflower rice and avocado for lunch. I did circle around to my boyfriend’s culty and evil type hang later in the night. There was chicken from the street, there. Rebecca will stay at our place while we’re gone. She stayed at ours for a while last night. Everyone went to KGB, later, but I am being more regulated about it. Making pasta at nine am because I was up all night in spite of new efforts. Pouring rain and then we’re driving towards Laguardia. In retrospect, I still do not think I was being dramatic about things, but it feels distant and small now. Short term memory maybe, or, the present is often quite extreme and so; wherever I am, it absorbs me. I like his brown leather bag, cufflinks, it’s been to and fro this airport all spring which serves to dividend the chaos a bit. Anyways, everything is fine. I have a life in New York that I will still feel so lucky to return to. “You guys are in love!” a girl in micro-shorts told us at the party last night. “How long have you been in love for?” “Almost two years,” he said. This is the pragmatic answer and also this is true. The girl beamed. “I’ve been in love for ten days,” she said. I need to hold things closer to my chest. Not here - I am obfuscated enough about it here, so it’s hard to do much damage. It’s different in the real world. I say things that I know to be true, but I say them before I really understand what they mean. I am more protective of the things that are good, and I am quick to give away all that is bad. This is not how a person should be. Happy Mother’s Day, the light and water show at the airport is saying. Elderly couple to my left devouring fried chicken. I feel incredibly ill, come to think of it, but some of this stays sweet. Darling darling darling, he keeps telling me. Are you ready to fly in a plane in the sky? Artificial Intelligence will come to destroy the earth and you will be like twenty-five years old and on your phone and talking badly about your friends behind their back and forgetting to call your family and drinking to disgust. Artificial Intelligence will come to destroy the world and you will call your sister, call your mom, lie under the open window with your boyfriend. You will be making up stories and praying over a glass of sparkling water. You will be listening to music and sound and language from real life. You will picture a relic of yourself still human, and you will be pleased. Saturday, May 10 I have decided to return to Photos. It is funny how these things work. I felt quite repulsed by images for a moment, but even just a few days of speaking out loud how much the equilibrium has been missing and how much now, it is time to get it back - I said this out loud along with other things, and now I can face the physical form again. And so much of the physical form is so pretty. I do like when things are ethereal and kind of between realms - it is why I have always liked to be very thin, although I’m pretty Normal in Body these days - and this is the most boring of boring things to discuss, anyways. My tendency is to archive and hoard. It is comically wrong to suggest that I seek to leave behind no trace. My point is, for a while now, I could not bear the traces. Something has shifted. There is a gold framed photo of a palm tree across from the bed in this hotel, and it’s the kind that is old school not tacky. Everything is art deco here. The ceilings at the bar are ten stories high, he told me, before dinner. There was salad and a cosmopolitan and such nice conversation and, I do always get whisked away when the time is right. I’m feeling pretty even keeled. If April happened again, it wouldn’t happen like this. The day has been so good so far. The hotel is old, classic, and art deco. WHAT YOU SHOULD DO Tuesday, May 13 - Doors at 7pm, reading at 8pm at TJ Byrnes — Bronwen Lam & David Dufour present Patio , an evening of reading. This rendition features Martina Mendoza, Mark Iosifescu, Myles Zavelo, Stephanie Wambugu, Babak Lakghomi, and Steve Anwyll. - From 7pm at Arlo Hotel Williamsburg — Laura Albert (AKA JTLeroy ) presents Truth in Disguise. Featuring Emmaline Clin with Susan Minot, Madelin Cash with Leslie Jamison, Anika Jade Levy with Sam Lipsyte, and a special performance of Brian Kelly’s Houseboy . Nico Walker reads from Jt Leroy, Laura Albert reads from her memoirs, and Laura Albert is in conversation with Whitney Mallet. - From 8pm at Jean’s — Party Girl’s Never Die returns for night #2 - an on-going party series that exclusively features live performances from unannounced special guests. Come for the party, stay for secret performances (between you and me, this guest is good ) | free with RSVP | Party girl drink special beer + shot $10 Wednesday, May 14 - From 7:30pm at St. Dymphna’s — Page Garcia and Matthew Danger Lippman host their weekly reading. - From 8pm at Funny Bar — Club Chess and Café Forgot made a candle! Come celebrate the launch. - From 10pm at Paul’s Baby Disco – Music by Orson + Harkness . Hosted by Sophia Lamar

  • Gaddy + Valentino. Thursday, May 15 - From 6pm at SAA — The Kollection presents Harmony : a new interdisciplinary performance in the Poetry Gallery series. - “Centered around the veiled and obscured silhouette of writer Coco Goron-Moore , Harmony pulses back and forth between spoken world and eccentric dis-arrangements of neoclassical cello saxophone duet Katzpascale.” | seating is available, as well as wine, champagne, and bottle service | Formal attire | RSVP is required. - From 7:30pm at TJ Byrnes — Kauan Duffy presents the release of his shocking debut novel Halicon . Featuring special guests; Johnny Hollywodd, Gavin Fryer, Abraham Kanovitch, Pippin Lapish, Joseph Krug, and Jack Ludkey. - From 10pm at Jean’s — Mona and Francesca present Girl’s Night . Friday, May 16 - From 6pm - 9pm — Health Gossip and Hard to Read present Tea Party ; a fundraising event for One Love Community Fridge and the COIN program at Callen-Lorde, in honor of the late Cecilia Gentili. Featuring performances from Sotce, K8 Hardy, Cynthia Leung, Cruz Valdez, Rhea Dillon, Precious Okoyomon, plus surprise guests. Water tasting with Amalia Ulman, tea, tinctures, and treats, curated health gossip-y books. Few events excited me more than this one. I absolutely cannot wait, and I wouldn’t miss this for the world. - From 9:45pm at Roxy Cinema — Rachelormont screens, followed by a Q&A moderated by William Banks . - From 10pm - 4am at Mood Ring — oneoneone.world hosts Party 09 . Featuring Djs Brthr, Dime, Ali Rq, Insider Trade, and Kian McHugh. Saturday, May 17 - From 7pm at Pianos — Emerson Isa celebrates the launch of “Girls to the Front” capsule collection - a night of fashion, music, and community, with 100$ of ticket proceeds benefiting Girls Inc. of NYC. Performance by The Dutch Kills. Photos by Matt Weinberger & Esp. | Tickets - $22.66 - From 10pm - late at Car Park (154 Scott Ave) — Associated presents Girls Night Out , featuring Mirana Santizo, Maleigh Zan, Callie Reiff, Mona Matsuoka, Donna Francesca, and Gabby Cocco.

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